I will officially be a mother of two on Monday morning. While that may sound oh-so-cute to some of you, to me it just radiates this huge feeling of fear within what is left of my brain. I am going to have TWO children.

In diapers.

Sucking on binkies.

Under the age of 3.

Most likely screaming/crying/crapping at the same time.

Seriously.

Because of the aforementioned screaming/crying/whining/crapping, this will most likely be my last blog for at least 2 weeks. I know I am not the best at updating, but I just wanted to let you all know I am not dead, but will feel like it for another couple of weeks.

I hope nothing super fantastic happens while I am gone. I also wish you all great customer service in my absence. I am sure with two kids (one a screaming infant and the other a screaming toddler) I will have MANY stories to share when I return. Let’s just hope that you read about them here, and not on the news or something.

I will leave you with one last little tidbit of information I have learned with this pregnancy. I was reading “What To Expect When You Are Expecting” (a pregnancy month-by-month guide for those of you who live under a rock) and there was a Q&A section about pregnancy pains.

One lady wrote to say that it feels as though her baby is going to fall out sometimes. This was near the end of her pregnancy and she was concerned. I chuckled to myself, because I had never felt that feeling with my first pregnancy, and I was about 8 months along and hadn’t felt it with this pregnancy. I was also amused by the lady because it is so completely obvious that your baby is not going to just “fall out.”

So, I kept reading and the doctor who answered her question went on to say (AND I QUOTE), “This is a common pregnancy pain that is caused by your baby ‘dropping’ and the pressure it causes. While it may feel as though your baby is going to fall out, do not worry, because this almost never happens.”

(Now your mouth drops open and I leave this small space for a horrified pause)

I crap you not people.

Number one: why would a book that 99% of pregnant people say this.

Number two: Holy baby falling out Batman! Does that seriously happen?

I went on for another few weeks remembering this, but thankful that I had not yet felt something that horrendous yet.

That is until about 4 days ago. I almost want to wear Depends just to catch the baby, because I know for a fact, with every fiber of my being that my baby WILL fall out.

It feels like he is hanging out waving at the people passing by gaping at my baby hanging out of where he shouldn’t be. There is that much pressure. So, watch the news and read the paper, because I am sure before tomorrow morning, my baby will fall out and KAVU and a reporter for the Advocate will be trailing not far beyond.

Until next time, don’t forget that Twizzlers rock – and please don’t point and laugh at the woman with the baby hanging out of her nether regions.