March 16, 2006

• Clear Conscience

  I grew up in Shiner. I know it is not exactly true, but I think I was the only Mexican in my school until I was a sophomore. In Yoakum, less than 10 miles away, there were Mexicans everywhere. It was a completely different world as far as I was concerned, but I didn’t live there so I tried not to dwell on it.
  
  As I type this, I realize I have already said “Mexican” twice. It is just another side effect of growing up in a “white” world. I find that I offend people sometimes when I say “Mexican.” People either correct me and tell me I should say “Latino(a)” or “Spanish,” but most of the time I just get stared at funny.
  
  I used to work in an office. I had a nameplate on my desk that said “Toni Gonzales.” I can’t tell you how many people would talk up to me and just start speaking Spanish. I want to be clear on the fact that it never offended me. What did offend me however was the looks and comments I got when I politely said, “No habla espanol.”
  
  I got a mixture of pity and disappointment. The older people felt sorry for me, and the younger ones just shook their heads and even inquired what kind of parents did I have that didn’t teach me about my culture. Then the other few just made snide remarks in Spanish about how I was embarrassed of my culture or how I though I was better than them. Remarks, by the way, that I somewhat understood, having taken two years of Spanish in high school.
  
  What are you to do when someone of you own race is being prejudice towards you?
  
  I was not aware that I was any different than anyone else until I was about 10 years old. I wish that I could have remained blissfully stupid for just a little longer. It was then that I learned how mean people could be. It started with the snide remarks about where I came from. I was told that I did not belong there. I was asked how long it took me to swim across the Rio Grande River. I was informed that I was a Mexican and not an American. Finally, one day I came home and asked my mom what a “wetback” was.
  
  These taunts finally started to fade around my first year of high school. By that time, however, the damage was done and sadly, permanent. I was ashamed to put my last name on anything. It was hard to even bring myself to write it out, and if I was out of town, I just lied about it. I dyed my hair lighter brown, and wore horribly light makeup. I was convinced at the time that it was the reason why the remarks stopped. I know now that my classmates just grew up and forgot about it all.
  
  I just never did.
  
  I heard my first Tejano/Spanish song when I was 18. I never had a quinceanera (I had to look that up to spell it). I still cannot speak Spanish because I almost failed it in high school. I only took it because it was required to have a language to graduate and my school only offered Spanish. I still feel uncomfortable when I say “Mexican” because I don’t know if I am supposed to say “Spanish” or “Mexican” or “Latino.”
  
  And I still feel inferior in some situations because I am Mexican. It is like it has been implanted in my brain that I am not good enough because I am “brown.” In the end, I am left in a weird limbo.
  
  My “own people” feel sorry for me or think I am trying to act “white.” The other people made fun of me for something I was very unaware of for many years. I happen to be a lighter skinned Mexican/Latina/Spanish person and it leaves me with one thought:
  
  When I get married in three months, and inherit a “white” last name, what will I be then?
  
  I haven’t even gotten a hold on my culture/skin as it is. Will I feel like I am invading someone else’s territory when I have a “white” last name? Will I still have a right to be a Mexican?
  
  Or will I become translucent?

  • 2:46 am
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